October

I don’t exactly know what to say about this October. I would perhaps repeat myself if I said that I made it an emotional rollercoaster: I would come home, thinking 'why am I exhausted, the day was really not that tiring'. I would find myself emotionless, aimlessly staring at my phone screen or blaming myself – unreasonably – for many things. Come on, you skipped capoeira again or oh god, why can’t you just speak Dutch and get so anxious around it. You are not even actually good at architecture, you are not working out, you are – again – using food as a coping mechanism and overeating. And there is such a list of ‘you are not ’ that is at times endlessly happening in my mind, that I forget to remind myself of all those ‘you are’ that I have. I even forget that it was this October when I got flu and still have not fully recovered; I tend to forget that we only have 24 hours in a day and I am just one person and not ten. I also forget that it was this October when I joined (even though temporarily) a music band, performed in an improv show, or learned to develop b&w film pictures. It was this October when I was laughing with Carla at voice overlays, or got fascinated by crooked mirrors. And it was this October that had, actually, many beautiful memories, many of which I restored through photos or daily drawings, looking through them at the end of the month. While I, of course, cannot know when this anxiety, detachment and overwhelm will stop chasing me, what I do know is that life is such a tremendous treasure I have once been given, that I am incredibly grateful for everything it has to offer.

P.S. and yes I do ask you to undo your super dramatic exit

In drawings, this October meant red ink - from subtle lines to bold toning, from separate drawings and frames to a red thread connecting the weeks, because daily drawings are rarely a separate story, and always a part of a bigger context.