In all the symbolism February specifically had to get lost – the month that became a revolution of my mind - the ink and cry poem by Pasternak of the upside-down world with the war in Ukraine that started on the 24th. February began with us peacefully walking at the Mediterranean Spain beaches and swimming in the night February sea – at the end bringing me to Italian Alps, where I am forced to face the mountainous silence and the tears it summons.
28.02: It did feel like a crime – to end up amidst these enchanting landscapes with a view to the Alps, to take skis and walk to the lifts while the world is already on fire. Consistently checking the news: when reaching the top of the mountain, when waking up, or when coming home every time. For the first several days here I could only be in two places simultaneously – in the meantime being nowhere. The future (both small and large scale) is unclear, but while there are actions we can – and must – take to counteract the flow of events, in some instances we are forced to accept our horrifying powerlessness in this flow of time.
Looking at these huge mountains and their resistance in this ear-piercing Alpine silence forces us to face the fears and talk to them one-to-one: there are no escape routes. Even if there were, it would be the same as taking the black slope with the total beginner skiing skills, because escaping and avoiding is no more an option, but only shows weakness, blindness, and cowardness.
Losing February does not make me sad – I think of it as a part of the healing and growing process, hilarious karma for later, and the fact that the hatred that gets to your heart – as the one I had back then starting on 24th – needs to be released and has no power other than weighing us down. This is the month where I acquired my new mantra that is still one of the most important things I can think of: I will always have first of all myself.
