It is December. On the 20th I am cycling to handle the bright pink gloves across the city with the song I got to listen to on repeat. This is the first day of my life – or at least it feels like it while crossing the darkness in this light rain and the serenity which accompanies me. Many things happened before: let it be the finally completed university project, drinks at the rooftop terrace, or the Christmas dinner, December concluded the year with the lights of Georgia seen from the airplane – or the New Year’s fireworks taking over the whole Tbilisi horizon.
If in the middle of December I find myself crying out loud and doubting all the progress of the year – I start recovering with a new power. The white paper-black pen of January switched places, and my anxiety is a less common friend of mine: no matter how backward it feels at times, it is never a complete return and the journey of life is the one where we are constantly moving forward.
22.12: It is the start of the Christmas break – the first break we are going to have from each other since September. To me it is still almost unbelievable; spending time with the three of us – or four – or one-to-one became such an inalienable part for me, life has changed so much in these three months that I can close my eyes and…I don’t even want to picture it otherwise.
Hobbies I couldn’t in August guess I would do, feelings I wouldn’t imagine I’d have, jobs I hadn’t yet known about, or this level of me being at home here, having my own family anywhere else except for Moldova.
It is crazy to acknowledge that it is without exaggeration: we are saying I love you when saying bye to each other and going for a holiday, we share pictures and feel free to call each other in the middle of the night or stop by, we can cry and admit our deepest fears, we can laugh and ride an Albert Heijn cart at 3 am in the morning in the corridor.
Today, when (finally!) the days are once again becoming longer, I want to say that for the first time I am here, I am saying ‘I am gonna miss you’ and I mean it so much. And I know that even if I did not necessarily say it out loud, it might have been clear anyway – otherwise I can always say it later.
I feel that this Christmas break is going to be wonderful and very important, most of us agreed that it is perfectly timed. It means that it will give a chance to let it all settle down – to help me realize that all the changes my life has brought to me in the last months are actually true and will not disappear while we are all far away for longer. Or even if they do – what a good reference for my dream life it would be!
