thinking about life
a fear to disappear
sometimes the universe is saying to slow down
Some days are different from what you expect them to be and kick you out of your planning and leave you wondering – what is the purpose of it? If you do not breathe in the chaos which is surrounding you and say no to it penetrating your skin, if you trust that everything happens in the best possible way, you will start going with the flow instead of resisting it; you will actually see that it is carrying you with waves and you better trust it or you'll drown.

This is where the weather comes in place. The fall is helping, the rain makes you slow down, you better be careful with cycling and please do no hurry or you will fall out of track. Eventually, the ultimate skill is to learn to go as fast as you can without hurrying. It is tempting to believe that if you do not run every day you go backwards, but the fact is that slowing down from time to time is what makes us progress. If you run all the time you will only exhaust yourself with the marathon, meanwhile it is essential to take these short breaks in-between to keep you going further.

Funny enough is the fact that I am writing it from the train to Amsterdam. Not exactly what I planned to do when I left campus today – and maybe today was actually telling me 'hey you, please slow down'. The play is at risk of getting cancelled entirely, the events are out of hand and on my way to campus I fell from the bike and now my favorite sweater just has a hole at the elbow even though I had a coat above it. Maybe it is a hint that I am pushing everything too hard with my elbows instead of letting the crowd carry me? Nevertheless, it does not change the fact that here I am catching the first train, buying a coffee and a stroopwaffel and…running? It is hard enough to cross the train station without actually getting somewhere, and now I have just noticed the rainbow through the clouds.
Amsterdam Centraal – what will I do there – what is my goal – maybe I should just walk 10000 steps – or sit by the canal – or maybe talk to random people and meet someone – go to the metro? – or just to sit down – maybe some shopping? – oh, train to Zandvoort, let's go to the sea!

Came to Zandvoort and caught myself running to the seaside when having the Shallow song on the headphones. Full-speed turn and running up the small hill to see The Majesty (being the sea). This is when the song perfectly had come to an end and also when the better one started – the waves. Wind was blowing me away and I had to allow it to lead me; the sea foam was spread all over the beach and the first impression was that the sea gives you back the snow.

the sea foam which which is still left on my boots and what I am totally happy about. looks almost as snow, doesn't it?
and the singing guy at the tranquil Zandvoort station who made me sit down on the stairs and listen
Being on my way back to Eindhoven and contemplating about today; it almost seemed as if it was trying to challenge me and see who was going to win. Instead of fighting with it I gave it my trust, and whenever I was trying to escape or just give in to chaos, it showed me the authority.

The play is on the edge of being cancelled, I let it go for now. Not giving the way to panic but calming it down, everything will happen the way it should be. I am wearing my favourite blue sweater to reflect stability – but now it symbolically has a hole in it. I see it as a way to reflect my chaos and I am letting it all go. Catching the first train after university and ending up to the seaside – which was a wonderful idea – brings me to the part where on my way back I started running again. And fell again. Got a crack on my phone and a tiny bruise on my finger.
You. Must. Not. Run.
Walk instead. Allow events to happen, to enter your life without forcing them to be. By trying to break the wall you might end up breaking your palm instead.
The sweater and the phone can be replaced. You cannot.

Once I got back, I was cycling slowly and carefully. I went to the supermarket, bought a pineapple and a flower. It is called Amaryllis. When I googled its symbolism, it was said that it is a perfect gift to buy for the ones whom you love and care about. And I got it. For myself.
With all these small and big things coming up today, the news, the holes and the cracks, I see today as an incredibly beautiful in its versatility day. I got to watch the sunset at the sea, got my salary and a new flower. Moreover, I received a text from a person who noticed my paintings at the TU/e exhibition and said they made him happier.

All these details are the things which make life beautiful and just fascinating, meanwhile we should learn to embrace it at fullest and avoid attacking them, pushing with our own forehead.
Full of love and serenity,

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